I'm Back On My Grind

For the last three years I have been involved with a wonderful young lady Smurf. Recently, (well not recently) we called it quits, the end, no mas. Was it something I wanted? - No. Was it something I caused? - Yes. I had some trust issues, it was crazy I would be so jealous if she talked to her male friends or wanted to see them. I realize now that the trust has to be rock solid to have a healthy relationship. Maybe the lack of trust stemmed from some personal insecurities. Not maybe - it definitely did. It's funny that I was that way because a lot of people say I have that cocky swagger to me. I don't see it at all - well baby a little bit. Something happened in my previous previous relationship that I never resolved going into the relationship with Smurf. (I'll get into that another day). Now throughout the course of our relationship I might have gave 75% but it felt like I was giving 100%. I had a clouded view of what I was doing was right. I was SO HIGH because my view was real clouded. Don't get me wrong I was still a good man but I didn't know how to let her be a good woman.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT to the fellas:
When your woman is happy and content, You are happy

My man pride won't let me realize that - to get the best out of her I have to give her the best ot me. Its a game of follow the leader, lead by example. Unfornately, I know all of this now and I worked out all of my issues in therapy. Yeah I said therapy, its not just for crazy people. That is how I used to feel. Example:

Smurf: "We should see if we can go to counseling to get some help for our relationship"

Me: "Hell Naw, what can a therapist tell me that I don't already know"

Smurf: "It won't hurt to try, maybe you can even talk about what happen in your last relationship"

Me: "I'm good I don't believe in therapy I will work it out myself"

That was a big mistake because I wasn't strong enough to deal with it on my own. I internalized my pain and doubts until it took over my self conscience. I was like having the little angel and devil on my shoulders. But anyway I'm verving off my original topic. See my mind is everywhere.

Now, I'm technically single and eventually I will get back into the DATING GAME. This is a game thats unfamilar to me now. It's like I don't even want to be bothered with the whole process. I just want the Baby with the labor pains if you know what I mean. I'm at the point in my life where its pointless to even waste my time on somebody that I don't think I can be Mrs. Me. I still think that I messed up my chance at that but God is sending me in a different direction. So I'm just gonna put on my blindfold and let him guide me. Don't get me wrong I have a little bit of game left, but my game has been on the shelf for years. Its time to dust off my Ay Bay Bays, Baby Girls, Mas, and Sweethearts...lol. I wish I could seriously start taking applications with resumes included. I mean that would make the process so much easier, maybe I can hold a casting call. When I'm ready I'm just gonna take it slow... For right now my heart still belongs to Smurf.